Laika’s Spout – Game Reviews and Objectionably Sardonic Ramblings.

Dear Nathan Atkins… A Donnie Darko Tale

Okay, this is slightly different to my usual blog posts, in the sense that it’s going to take the form of a letter to Nathan Atkins. You probably don’t know who this man is and to be honest I’d be fairly surprised if you do, for the purposes of this post I actually had to actively search out this man’s name.

In an odd shift of tone, Donnie Darko is a brilliant film. If you’ve not seen it, then I honestly don’t know which rock and on which planet you’ve been hiding under since 2001, but I earnestly implore you to search it out and basically stop reading this blog right now because it’ll mean about as much to you as asking America politely to stop polluting our planet with their ridiculously big cars. I’ve already digressed majorly from what I wanted to write about.

Upon first hearing about S. Darko, the much anticipated, albeit with hugely bated breath, sequel to Donnie Darko, I was honestly excited. ‘Sweet, a sequel to one of my favourite films ever, sure it’s a big film to live up to in terms of greatness, but yeah, sure.’ Not that I could really see how they’d actually work in a sequel to such a film, by and large IMDB Top 250 films don’t generally have sequels, unless originally intended to from the word go. However, then I found out that it was going to feature only one of original cast members, who was too young to actually remember their time on set for the first film and had less screen time than virtually every other actor in the film. ‘Fresh new faces, this could be interesting!’ I thought, with a slightly glimmer of uneasiness about me, but still, it could’ve been good.

Then came the bombshell. Straight-to-DVD. I was nearly physically sick, I can’t name a single straight-to-DVD film that hasn’t been downright bloody terrible. See: animated Disney Sequels of long-dead franchises in order to gain what they call ‘life’ from a frankly long-dead horse. Not only that, but the original creator of Donnie Darko, Richard Kelly, had absolutely nothing to do with the sequel in the slightest and wise was he to stay away from this absolute abomination.

Almost everything about this movie was terrible, the best way to describe it would be badly-writtten fanfiction by people who didn’t particularly ‘get’ the first film and if they did, were incredibly drunk upon each subsequent viewing and throughout the entire production process. For example, Frank. Frank was iconic of the first film, it’s good that Nathan Atkins recongised this ‘Guh huh huh, I can use this for my film, people will reconigse it. Guh huh huh.’ No, you stupid man. Any self respecting fan knows that Frank was in the first film because it was Donnie’s sister’s boyfriend in his Halloween costume; therefore the character of Frank only makes sense in this context.

Moreover, the cinematography was horrible, it was filmed in the same style as Neighbours, with a couple of awkward close-up shots, combined with frankly terrible casting. Someone from Twilight, someone else from Gossip Girl (some prick that doesn’t deserve my valuable time searching IMDB, but really does deserve a punch in the nose for being possibly the single worst character/actor in a movie, ever and… someone else from something equally bad.

Donnie Darko fans, by and large, are over-analytic cinematic pricks (Hi there!) and in order to ‘understand’ (in the loosest sense of the word) S Darko, you had to have seen Donnie Darko. But if you liked Donnie Darko, you’ll hate S. Darko because it essentially took everything good out of it, twisted it a little bit then attempted to enhance upon it, ultimately resulting in a twisted car-crash of inane plot, sci-fi nonsense, terrible CGI andnd a definite aura of self-parody.

But the worst part, guh, the worst part was the fact that in this ‘coming of age’ comedy/drama (which is essentially what it came over as, as opposed to the Philosophical splendour that was Donnie Darko) the paedophile/pervert/abductor/cunt gets away with it. Normaly I’d not have a problem with this sort of thing, granted that it’s done in a clever sort of way (See: A Clockwork Orange) Well, it’s not even that, it’s as if they basically forgot about that story arc, realised they’d run out of time and budget and just ended the film because they’d gotten bored.

I lied, that’s not the worst part. You know how in Donnie Darko he burns down Jim Cunningham’s house? Which leads him to be found out to have a ‘kiddy porn dungeon’? Funnily enough, Samantha Darko burns down a paedophile-clergyman’s Church. Why Nathan, you cunning devil you, you’ve directly stolen the same plotline, you craftly thing. No wait, there’s more. His cunt-sister has a copy of ‘The Philosophy of Timetravel’ by Robert Sparrow. This definitely shows how Nathan Atkins didn’t have a fucking clue what was going on in the first film because Donnie never received the book, he only received it in the Tangent Universe. Therefore his Physics teacher didn’t give the book to him so there is frankly no reason for her to have the book in any form.

I went into this film expecting the worse but this far exceeded my expectations, Nathan Atkins shouldn’t ever be allowed near a single piece of film, ever again, by penalty of being hung, drawn, quartered and distributed evenly into every 666th packet of all Nestle products. You stupid, stupid, stupid cunt.