Laika’s Spout – Game Reviews and Objectionably Sardonic Ramblings.

Breaking News: Jordan Gets 187th Boob Job, All is Well!
January 12, 2009, 11:04 pm
Filed under: In the News | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Lo and behold, on my usual trip to the Sainsbury’s local, opposite my school, a glance at the nearby newspaper rack affirmed my belief that yes, we are all utterly, utterly doomed. Strange it may seem then, that I an in fact not talking about the recession at all, heck, that actually benefits me, the tuition fee £3,000 cap is staying very firmly on, as well as house/petrol prices freefalling. I digress, what I saw was a truly, truly horrific depiction of contemporary British society, our whole ethos optimomized by a single headline. I think it was something alone the lines of ‘THERE’S A 40% CHANCE I’LL SURVIVE:JADE GOODY’, pertaining to her recent and very unfortunate contraction of  cervical cancer, her third cancer, this headline bearing a striking resemblance to those harrowing speeding adverts, with the ghostly little girl, with her narration, and wrists snapping into place like something from The Exoricist. I’m not saying Jade Goody deserves cancer, heavens no, nobody does, it’s a terrible, terrible illness that thousands of people die from each year, but herein lies my point. 

Jade Goody is one person, recent developments in her battle of cancer are harrowing, and some may say even disheartening, but it certainly isn’t news. I wouldn’t so much mind on the reporting of this during a slow news week, but unless you’ve been liking under a rock on the dark side of one of Saturn’s many moons, you’ll have heard about the current Israel-Gaza conflict. Today, according to David Milliband, the current Foreign Secretary, around 905 Palestinians and 13 Israeli’s are believed to have been killed since the previous cease fire broke on 19th December. That’s 918 fucking people. Jade Goody is but one of them, and when tragedies such as this are occuring throughout the world, how is it possibly justifiable to report on a much less important topic? 

I am exactly the type of person who’d have slated Jade Goody in her ‘hayday’, shall we call it? But nobody deserves cancer, nor does anybody deserve to be killed in any way, shape of form, least of all through war or warcrimes. It sickens me it seems okay to report on this sort of thing and I put it down to sheer disassociation. Of course, things that in other, less important countries don’t matter because they’re, you know, beneath us. It’s much more prevalent to talk about us, because we matter and sod everyone else, because we’re best. Exactly the same fucking thing happened during the Brand/Ross ‘scandal’ (which personally, was a load of cock and balls, in my opinion), people were being stampeded to death and shot in the Congo but no, it mattered much more that Russell Brand had yet again slightly overstepped the mark, causing a public outcry the likes of which have never been seen before, the fucking cretins. 

On top of this, is the current reporting of Prince Harry’s alleged ‘racism’ and homophobia, in what some would claim is ‘political correctness gone mad’, I phrase which I politely dub as foolish, and impolitely dub as a wanker’s term. The term ‘Paki’ is frequently associated with anti-social racist behaivor towards those who are oft mistaken to be Pakistani, given the average IQ of your run-of-the-mill bigot is way below the average shoe size. Of course though, what the papers often fail to mention is that this is a term for one of Prince Harry’s friends, who doesn’t take offence to the term, almost seeing it as a term of endearment. I can relate to this, maybe it’s just the ‘youth of today’, but I have a half-Polish friend, great guy, we often refer to him as ‘dirty, filthy Pole’, an ironic statement pertaining to the frequent reporting of Eastern European immigrants as ‘stealing our jobs and our women’, and should all be shipped back home etc. etc.

If we’re going to ignore the REALLY bad things in the world, and just focus on the dubious domestic problems, heck, why don’t we just scrap news altogether? Why don’t we just hand out leaflets telling everyone how great things are and how everything is going to be just fine? Alternatively, replace the news with ‘Good news!’, only reporting on when kittens are saved from trees, or when a boy makes it to school without being harmed? It sure would help public morale, maybe we could also introduce a system where bad thoughts are out-lawed, and certain phrases? Just sit in rooms in blissful blissful ignorance, it’ll be great because everything’s good, nothing with harm us, and our bubble will certainly never burst.

In other news: to paraphrase a great philospher greatly ‘Stop being sensationalistic domesticated pricks, tell it to us how it is, and consider non-English speaking countries for once. Useless twats.’

Haha, funnily enough the ‘related posts’ below conveys exactly what I’m on about quite clearly. Humanity is going down, mayday, mayday!


Tabloid Journalism and Obama’s Americanism.
December 4, 2008, 7:19 pm
Filed under: In the News | Tags: , , , ,


Revealed! Shocking! Exclusive! All words you’d usually associate with Heat Magazine or some other ghastly form of sheer banality and pisswittery, yes? Surprised was I, to find an article from the usually lovely Guardian ‘revealing’ the alleged British torture of Barack Obama’s Grandfather. See, that word is somewhat suited when describe some form of (abbreviated to, for some fucking stupid reason) ‘celeb gossip’. But torture, really?  To be fair, I mustn’t really regard everyone who works for The Guardian as a collective whole so instead, I won’t, I’ll just have a go at Owen Bowcott, the sensationalist arsecandle.

Don’t get me wrong, torture is a terrible thing and shouldn’t really be tolerated under any circumstances because as soon as you do, you lose civil liberties quicker than baby teeth on a Crunchie. Just tabloid journalistic sensationalism really gets up my arse… in a bad way. Gee Owen, what other delightful relics do you have to offer us?


Could Britain’s colonial sins pose a risk to our relationship with the soon-to-be most powerful person on Earth?


Owen, darling, light of my life… you’re an idiot. Let’s speculate and perpetuate, seems to be the in-thing for tabloiders like your self, all asking the public monumentally and unquestionably thick-headed rhetoric with no purpose other than to get us to all hate someone else. According to Bowcott, Obama ‘isn’t a fan of British Colonialism’; I’ll be the first one to admit that neither are fucking we. Patriotism I can deal with, perhaps even tolerate in small doses but colonialism? Even the most extreme forms of partriotism, like the British Fascist, I mean National Party aren’t in favour of invading other countries for our gain anymore because it just means the entire world will hate us and blow us back to kingdom come. But in case it’s not clear enough I am, right now, going to perform a public act of apology for our colonial bastardry. Sorry.


In other Barack Obama-related news: some bitter bastards are attempting to file lawsuits regarding his citizenship, again. Just to make this absolutely crystal clear, Obama was born in Honolulu, Hawaii (the last time I checked, being right fucking now, this was the United States’ 50th state) to a white American mother from Wichita, Texas (often cited as the American ‘heartland’) and has lived in the USA all of his life. So, by my often-misguided and ill-informed reckoning, this makes him more American than Big Macs, Guantanamo Bay and not fucking a flying fuck about the environment, combined.

One of those filing a lawsuit is Alan Keyes, the very same Alan Keyes who also ran for Junior State Senator in 2004 and lost. I’ve seen sour grapes before but my god, I imagine on hearing Obama had won the election Keyes may’ve pulled a face like The Pope had just shoved a grapefruit up his arse. His legislation not only disputes Obama’s Americanism, but also the halt certification of votes in the state of California which, of all the states, holds the most electoral college votes with 55 with its closest rival being Texas with a meager 34. Even with only the projected Electoral College votes, this would reduce Obama’s lead over McCain from 192 to 137. In layman’s terms, Keyes is even more of a cockfuck than Bowcott, as this legislation, even if passed, would be about as significant as stamping on a pavement, with the ultimate goal of flattening the universe.

Stop splurging out sensationalist gobshite about Obama, stop trying to derail his presidency because you’re going to fucking lose. And write some real news, for fucks sake.

And I promise this will be the last time I mention Jesus V2.0, so for your entertainment and probably bemusement: