Laika’s Spout – Game Reviews and Objectionably Sardonic Ramblings.

Irrational Hatred or How I learned to stop believing hype and realise that LittleBigPlanet is a bit crap.

Hoo-bloody-ray, another ill-informed misanthrope blabbing on about how awesome and divine LittleBigPlanet. Referring somewhere in either the header, or the body to the game as ‘LittleBig{Overused Adjective}’ Almost as if it were the second coming of Jesus ‘Barack Hussein Obama’ Christ.

I’m going to be bucking the trend here, somewhat, perhaps even ‘going out on a limb’ to say that the hype killed LittleBigPlanet. Well, for me at least. You know how hyped up about this game I was? Well, I was one of those idiots you probably heard about squandering their hard-earned cash on ebay for a chance to get LittleBigPlanet early, amidst the wave of sheer disbelief that censoring had yet again pushed back a completely harmless title. I’ll admit, I paid around £55 for my copy, so as you can imagine seeing it being on on Amazon for twenty-fucking-quid now really gets up my arse. (Although I suppose the fact I paid £55 for a game I thoroughly despise for being so cute and shiny, but deviously hard.) This meant I got a NTSC copy on around the 23rd of October, nearly a full two weeks before the rest of poor, poor PAL got their grubby mits on it. I was bored by the time it’d officially come out.

Anywho, back to this ‘review’. Given that this game appeals to both the hardcore gaming populous, and Wii owners, as the ‘E – Everyone’ logo states. What strikes me as odd is the sheer difficulty of later levels… I sure I won’t be alone in cursing at the existence of that hideous, hideous giant rotating thing on ‘The Bunker’ and how inexplicably difficult this part is compared to the rest of the fucking game. I for one wouldn’t exactly deem myself a hardcore gamer, but proficient enough to represent a fair portion of the console gaming demographic… Fun certainly did not overcome… the emotion was more a mix between hatred, frustration and sheer sadness on not being able to complete a game that appeals to my baby sister, of 13, whose idea of a good game is Pippa Funnel: Stud Farm Inheritance. 

‘Oh, but Laika! What about the creator tool and the online feature? Eh? Eh? As well as the sheer customizationability of Sackboy?’

I’m getting to that part. First of all, am I the only person who noticed how our politically-correct culture has managed to manifest itself in a game as harmless as this? I’m not talking about that awfully offensive Somalian lyric… oh no… something far worse. At what point did it become politically insensitive to call somebody a ‘Policeman’? Even though all one is doing is stating the person’s sex and job? Sackperson. Sack-PERSON. For one, Media Molecule, since when was a bundle of cotton and felt deemed to be a person? I’m also quite sure that Sackboy doesn’t have any genitalia… and even if it did, I don’t think cotton phalluses have much use to anybody.

Oh, and the creator tool… ah yes, praised for how simple and effortless it is to use, even for the most simple-minded gamers. 

Why?! It’s about as easy to use as rubbing your stomach, putting your head and reciting all of Shakespeare’s works… in cocking Swahili. Even (Sir) Steven Fry’s dulcet tones, guiding you though every inch of the tutorial process, don’t detract from the fact that the creation tool is not easy to use at all. At least, not easy to use in order to game the complexity of levels Media Molecule have achevied with, might I had, several years of development time. Online, you’re more likely to find ‘easy trophy’ levels which, I’ll admit, I did greatly appreciate the creators for creating.

Basically what I’m asking is… is the game fun? Yes. Yes to the extent that it suffers from what I call ‘Wii-Syndrome’. With friends, it’s perfectly fine and good to play, pissing about and just generally having a lovely, lovely time. However, playing it alone, why don’t we all just step back a little bit? Remember when you were four and played dress-up with your little dolls? Your little girly dolls? No? That’s because the majority of you are male. And if you did play with ickle dollys, are male, and are reading this right now… I suggest you can and enjoy this glorified dress-up platformer which is perfectly fine and good if you’re playing it with real people… but else, you’re sitting in a room… getting a pretty dolly to perform acts of onanism on yourself.

Maybe that’s just me.

I may well be the best platformer ever made, but I suppose that could be like giving Hitler the award for ‘Best Genocide’ and ‘Biggest Bastard’.